Election Precis: The Candidate and the Voter – Congruence or Fallacy?

Politics is a game of manipulation, coercion, innuendos, propagandas, hypes, pufferies, hysterias, and the list could go on and on, aimed at the voters with an intention of influencing their “voting pattern.”

Politicians run for office for various reasons. The pseudo reason is “to advance the voter’s interest,” but nothing is further from the truth. Personal interests top their list, while everything else comes last (not second or third).  The candidate’s minions, on assumption that their candidate will appoint them to government positions, offer “die hard free services” in the hope their candidate succeeds.

In developed countries voters are influenced, for the most part, by the candidate’s/parties manifestos and or philosophies. On the other hand, voters in developing countries place little to no value on such philosophies and manifestos and instead prefer candidates giving them accessibility to their basic needs, not to mention tribal affiliation, “buddy” promises, and so on. Candidates knowing this bait their voters by providing them temporary access to those basic needs until after elections and thereafter they withdraw them. Some economists call this bribery. In some cases, politicians will utter words such as “we are being finished” to influence voters sympathy against those finishing them.

To succeed in elections, candidates, besides being conniving also create fear by creating false charges against their opponents. Those who foresee losing in the elections may start disputing the elections before the actual elections, to create fodder for later use. Some may cast doubt on the electoral system’s efficiency and accuracy; others may use their bases to cause chaos or create scenarios challenging the elections fairness, or outright blame each other for the county’s failing and or shortcomings. While fairness is key in any election, it is not always visible or evident especially, when incumbent politicians notoriously use “accessible” executive powers to campaign for them.

To the voter, candidates are employees looking for a 5-year contract job. The interviewer in this case being the voter who will determine whether the candidate gets the job or not. During the interview process, the candidates guards as usually down and offers direct and easy access to the voters, to prove how accessible he/she will be to the “people.” This is short lived as most candidates metamorphoses and withdraws from the voters after the “job” interview. The voter, as the interviewer, seeks clarity on the candidate’s ability to perform by reviewing their resume, their record of accomplishment, their background check, and so on. They also (should) seek to understand what they plan to do differently or more efficiently if offered the position.

The interviewer should understand that the candidate is here to woo – like a suitor – once the goal is actualized, the candidate is gone, probably never to be seen again until the next election. Any short-term gains should not be traded for the job performance expected from the candidate. For in the end it is not about what tribe, political party, religion, or gender identity one identifies with. It is all about performance for the better good of the country. The interview should keep that in mind and closer to his/her heart.

The interviewers rank of the candidate, confirms that he/she (1) believes the candidate’s agenda is on target for the growth of business (country), (2) the candidate has a proven accomplishment record, and (3) there’s some form of congruence with the candidate’s manifestos or philosophies, and therefore recommends (by voting) for that candidate.

That is how the election system (should) works.

Now, Vote Wisely!

Who is your cable provider?

Cable companies are popular despite having a love hate relationship with most of their customers. This is how it works. A customer shops around and identifies a cable company that will meet hers/his entertainment needs. The customer approaches the cable company and the company excitedly gives the prospective customer their best offer and service conditions. The Customer is happy, signs up and the relationship begins.

This relationship continues uninterrupted as long as the two are faithful to one another, by meeting the conditions of their arrangement. Often this is not the case. After a while, either party, driven by their own desires or needs, starts to change. The customer wants to see more programs, maybe the need to watch more movies increases, or decreases. The cable company on the other hand wants to improve delivery, quality, or profits. As this changes happen, discomfort creeps in disrupting the relationship. Both parties are now unhappy and want the other party to accept the changes so the relationship can continue. This does not happen because both parties are selfish. The customer starts to delay payment and the provider threatens to disconnect the service.

To stop the impasse, the customer must disengage from the cable company, in other words severe the relationship. Pay the final bill and ask them to disconnect the service and return their equipment. This will allow the customer to seek other cable services but this time round, the customer will be careful to read the small prints. The cable company on the other hand has nothing to lose. They will decide what to do with the broken relationship, and most likely will keep reaching out to the ex-customer with the hope of enticing their return. But they have no power over the customer because the customer disconnected the service.

Paul in his letter to the 1^st Corinthians sixth chapter and the sixteenth verse says, “Do you not know that whoever is united to a prostitute (kollōmenos), becomes (Esontai) one (hen) body (esarka) with her? For it is said, “The two (duo) shall be (Esontai) one (hen) flesh (esarka).” In other words, Paul is suggesting from that moment the union (other texts refer to the union as being yorked) happens, a bond is created – an agreement, a cable service connecting the two is created. But it doesn’t end there. The Greek word kollōmenos is derived from the root word kollao (2853), which means to glue, cleave, or join closely and “was commonly used in ancient medical language of the uniting of wounds.” Wouldn’t this then mean that you are not only yorked together, but you are glued together, and will remain so until, that cable is disconnected. The seeker must disconnect the cable or else, remain forever indebted to the provider.

If the seeker does not disconnect the cable, the cable company will have the right to keep bothering the customer and even make changes probably lowering rates for the next twelve months luring the customer to another yearlong relationship. If the customer accepts these changes, services maybe guaranteed for another year, but nothing else will change. The company reserves the right to change programs. In other words, the cable company will continue abusing the customer for the length of the renewed contract.

You are better off without some things. So if you signed a wrong contract, either pay it off, or live through it and move on. Most important, before you sign up with a cable company, take time to read the fine prints. It will help you. Just don’t become one flesh with something/somebody you do not know.

 

FINDING VICTORY DESPITE THE CHALLENGE: Lessons Learned Through the Foggy Eyes Beatrice Waithaka (New Vision Publishing Services, Cincinnati, Ohio 45224, 2016, softcover)

“Finding Victory Despite the Challenge” advances a premise based on overcoming hindrances and getting ready for the next while exploring the defies of living with a handicap in a community, society, and indeed a world that is unaccepting alluding the pain and struggles such individuals, their siblings, and parents go through. She emphases on enlightening, reinforcing and inspiring the reader to obstinately pursue victory despite the deterrents on one’s pathway. she acknowledges her strong fortitude to her relationship with God, notwithstanding the contemplative reality of being different, unable to do chores, as easily and dealing with the ever persistent rhetorical question “why.”

The book is not an imaginary narrative but a real journey this writer experienced as she navigated through the rough terrain of being “legally blind” in a developing country, that lacked, at least then, basic accommodations for the handicapped, yet, like any other “normal” child, expected to pursue her education and dreams.  The writer recounts her experience with visual disability in a way that only she can as she narrates her challenges and the looming journey she undertook with her family, friends, and in some cases alone. She recounts endless visits made to different hospitals and the many inconclusive tests she underwent in pursuit of an evasive medical cure, and the subsequent prognosis that she had Stargardts, a common form of inherited juvenile macular degeneration disease, which led to her being labeled legally blind and sending shockwaves to her family.

The significance of Beatrice’s offering is not to solicit pity or sympathy rather an unveiling, as it were, of her struggles with what people with normal eyesight consider as “normal” chores, for example, depending on rides; walking without tripping over people in a party, or bumping into things on your path; and so on, yet she pulls off these struggles asserting, “it’s in being stretched that one creates room for a blessing.” Yet, terrorized by the fear of shame, as reality of visual impairment crystalizes, she agrees that “the dark places” wrought her to who she is today, those dark places of disabilities; those dark places of incidents and accidents; those dark places without access to resources and recreation; those dark places of loneliness, all combined fashioned her, crafting her, to an individual who does not know what giving up looks like. She embraces a vision of herself disavowing the present circumstances as a predictable for her future, refusing to let go a dream of a woman making a difference in the world deeply engraved in her mind.

To what others consider proverbial, to her it was axiomatic; of being accosted with oratorical questions; of being relegated from school teams; of being disregarded and considered as almost invisible, yet every day she woke up with a purpose.  In the end, despite the challenges, the focus she suggests needs to shift from trepidations, anxieties, angsts, or apprehensions, to what we individually can do through the power of God within us to overcome our life’s hindrances. After all, we are all impaired, and the different spiritual doctors we have visited have failed to provide us with a working solution. We need “The Great Physician, who knows and understands our condition.”

 Reviewed by Julius Mwangi, MSc AIM; MDiv.

My Place in the Mosaic

I was made whole, but the society broke, classified, and racialized me

I was battered and bruised at every attempt to rise up and be me

With every gong of the bell, I rose to begin a new round of struggles and rejection

But I couldn’t sit down and do nothing – I am like you, and you, and you

I was born whole, but the society broke me and I won’t sit quiet

The society broke, battered, and bruised me because I was different

It dictated on how I should live my life, whom to love, and where to work

Where I could go to school, what to study, and what I could do

When I revealed self they labeled me an outcast; not fit to serve-

Not even in the church -now I must fight from being a human outcast

 I’m fighting from being an outcast, see, being different brings beauty to the mosaic

The society, and now the church, has rejected and slammed me with labels

Now I’m looking for acceptance as if there’s something wrong with me

And even if, didn’t Christ come for all – might I be the missing piece in the “all”

“All” seem to have a place in the mosaic, but this broken piece of humanity is without one

I am a part of humanity, and I know there’s a place for me in the mosaic, or is there none?Am I not human enough to serve and share in the Lord’s Table?

Am I too broken, too shattered, of little value or significance to be in the mosaic?

Nay, I am the one in the “all” and no one can take my place in the mosaic

My brokenness; my race; my religion; my gender; my sexuality, cannot take my place in

the mosaic

Through the Belly of the Whale: By Wanja wa Ndungu

Review by Julius Mwangi

The book, Through the Belly of the Whale, by Wanja wa Ndungu, is constructed on the author’s eventful and unfortunate youthful adventures that subsequently led her to alcohol dependence and other related challenges. She writes from the lens of one who has endured intense misery, hopelessness, ineptness, and depression; someone who self-imprisons to flee the monsters of guilt and hate but ultimately lacks the capacity or will power to set self-free. It’s when she reaches rock bottom – that place where the prodigal son had been; that place where Jonah had been; that place where Paul had been, that she realizes, only she could determine whether to or not to take the journey back to freedom, safety, and sobriety. She chose to.

The book is seemingly written to parents, presumably of persons suffering from addiction of any sort, and those bound by any kind of addiction, alcohol, drugs, prostitution, pornography, and so on, and offers “the power … in the blood of Jesus, which is able to set one free.” It is a fast paced account that cuts through daring adventures and experiences only the author could have navigated. Her story requires courage to tell and she does this with grace and humility without shying to reveal personal details, thus corroborating the real challenges of alcoholic addictions. In telling the story, she speaks for those whose voices have faded, perhaps permanently; those robbed of normalcy by addiction; and those who addiction has placed labels on.

The narrator does not, in the least, celebrate her wrongs nor does she justify her wrong choices. She does not come out as a self-seeking make believe writer focusing on the emotions of the reader, rather she validates her personal experiences through the pages as she narrates her gruesome journey. She in narrating her experiences faces them again, perhaps for the last time. Like a knight with a shining armor, she seemingly slays and mutilates every one of them as she candidly ushers the reader through the narrow paths of her intricate struggles, the unfortunate road accident that led to misdiagnosis, self-pity, rebellion, and eventually alcoholism. It’s a road frequently trodden, but few are bold enough to face the cynicism, sarcasm, acerbity, or causticity in retelling their story.

The book has six unconventional chapters, unconventional because every chapter speaks passionately of her challenges. She cleverly navigates through the different stages of her life while intensifying alcohol related challenges and intertwining the deficiencies with biblical texts. Her mishaps begins with one simple act of rebellion against her parents, which torpedoes her to behavior deficits destructive beyond her wildest imaginations. Ndungu confesses, “I knew I was an alcoholic when I couldn’t function without alcohol in my system. It was the power that drove me; the force that controlled my every movement Alcohol was the first thing in my mind and the last thing before I slept” (2015,50). She recounts her rape ordeal that resulted in an unwanted pregnancy and subsequent abortion “made possible, in the slums of Nairobi, through the help of a high school friend.” With this abortion, she claims, “a part of me died as well” and accelerated her drinking and risky living/behavior, as bitterness and resentment towards men, and depression, kicked in full throttle. Yet she wanted out, but couldn’t. At the end of chapter three she finally admits, “if there was any time in my life I wanted out…this was that time”(2015,85). In her apprehension she admits, “nothing but the mighty hand of God was holding my soul in place”(2015,86).

Being a nursing professional she speaks of her ailing medical conditions, which sadly was not enough reason to marshal her back to sobriety. Instead as she becomes more aware of her condition, she withdraws from people, oversleeps, and has excuses for just about anything; calls off-work so many times that she was let go, which ultimately leads to an eviction notice from her apartment. Accepting it was time to change, she unveils her struggle of taking the first step to recovery as the predominant and hardest step to take. In the meantime, every delay to recovery plummets her deeper into depression, denial, driving violations and tickets, suicidal ideation, and risky living.  In the end, her friend Angel rescues her but issues ultimatums on lapses that the narrator systematically broke. Unable to tolerate this, Angel kicks her out of her home, and this becomes the beginning of the narrator’s reality check as she seeks help from her cousin who takes her to a detox center, and the beginning of her recovery.

While Through the Belly of the Whale is a book full of drama with pages filled with shocking revelations, insights, and motivation, it is nevertheless a sad story of the narrator’s struggles with wrong decisions, wasted opportunities, and indeed the follies of alcoholism and other addictions. Yet in displaying her weakness, her faults, and failures, she ultimately stands out from the rest as she identifies and remains faithful to those struggling with addiction of whatever sort and assuring them of a way out. The illustrations and testimonies she offers are relevant, realistic, and relatable specifically to those in or affected by addiction. In so doing, she successfully promotes an awareness on alcohol addiction and its destructive attributes.

Through the Belly of the Whale, was first published in 2015 by New Vision Publishing Services, Cincinnati. It is available through Amazon.com and the author’s website www.wanjandungu.org.

ROOTED AND BUILT UP IN CHRIST: A DISCIPLESHIP RESOURCE FOR BELIEVERS IN CHRIST,”by LUCY KING’ORI.

Review by Julius Mwangi

The book Rooted and Built up in Christ: A Discipleship Resource for Believers in Christ, by Lucy King’ori, answers different questions among them, how a new believer can be integrated into the Christian life; how a new believer can grow in faith and live a victorious life; and how a new believer can apply God’s word to release divine provisions consistent with God’s will and purpose (2015, ix). It is written for the born again Christian, young and old, but unambiguously those who have not been “discipled” in their Christian walk. This book helps the believers define or redefine their credo i.e. a statement of beliefs defining what one believes.

The author condenses her responses to the above question in ten chapters. Faithful to her title, Rooted and Built up in Christ, King’ori uses subtopics to further break down her discourses to a simpler, but not necessarily basic, titles. Pursuant to the book’s subtitle, “A Discipleship Resource for Believers in Christ,” she uses a teaching technique to present her opinions and offers contemplative questions for review at the end of each chapter, making it easy for the reader to follow and dialogue with the text. Chapters 1-7, King’ori focuses on the new believer’s basic understanding of salvation and the tools available to lead a successful Christian life, while Chapters 8-10, focuses on specific desirable habits for a successful Christian.

The author begins at a seemingly but important basic level defining repentance (2015, 13). She quickly follows this with responses to the question, what happens after salvation, and offers that often new believers, and even older Christians, have doubts about salvation (2015, 14).  She avers this as an attack on the believers thought life.

She builds on this in discussing the importance of giving testimonies and explains what the testimony does to the body of Christ. A testimony, King’ori offers, is “a great poster for readers to know where your allegiance is” (2015, 40). In addition, she contends that for a new believer to be a successful Christian, there must be a deliberate separation with the old company; otherwise there is a risk of one finding themselves “back to the old ways” (2015, 40).

After one gets saved, or gives their life to the Lord, King’ori posits, one becomes a member of God’s family. “The family of God,” she says, “includes (all) believers who lived in the past, those living now, and those that will be born again in future” (2015, 51).  The earthly families, she argues, “are temporal while the Christian families are permanent” (2015, 51). Being a member of this family means one is a child of God and should therefore never feel alone (2015, 52). This is where the real work commences – Living the Christian Life.

King’ori poses, “now that I am a Christian, how do I live my life?” (2015, 61). She follows this with a profound statement, “When we get saved,” she says, “the Holy Spirit comes to reside in our spirit and becomes our resident teacher and helper…He (the Holy Spirit) is not only the agent of our salvation but also the agent of our transformation and empowerment” (2015, 62). Our lives, she adds, should be focused towards God, since after all we are not our own bosses anymore. Quoting John’s epistle (John 17:16), King’ori, suggests that as Christians “we are in the world but not of the world” (2015, 64). She suggests that Christians are people transformed by the renewed mind and therefore ought to live a life that brings light where there is darkness; a life that stands out rather than blend. She outlines five disciplines of the mind that one can develop towards a healthy mind namely: guarding your mind; renewing your mind; setting your mind on the things above; proactively thinking on positive things; and fighting for your mind (2015, 66-68).

Still focusing on how a born again individual can live a successful Christian Life, King’ori discourses on the work of and witness of the Holy Spirit and how this plays a role in strengthening one’s Christian life. She offers her personal testimony of how baptism in the Holy Spirit strengthened her Christian life, but quickly qualifies that baptism in the Holy Spirit is neither a panacea for all problems nor a dose for perfection (2015, 82). Temptations and Trials will still come whether you are filled/baptized with the Holy Spirit or not. Temptations, she adds, is not a sin; it’s the yielding thereon that is sin (2015, 101). She addresses the common sources of temptations and positing that God does not tempt (2015, 106) while differentiating temptations from tests asserting that tests originate from God, while temptations originate from the enemy. She adds, “A test or a trial is then a God given opportunity to practice and prove some specific growth parameters in our relationship with the Lord” (2015, 116).  In response to the question, “How should we respond to temptations,” she offers several approaches including; resisting the devil, being sober, and being vigilant, among others.

In her closing she suggests that Christian growth is supposed to be continuous, yet for this to happen, one needs to have an appetite for God. An appetite for God is evident through the communication one has with God. She avers that “Prayer is the most important activity a child of God can be engaged in. Prayer is not an option,” she says, “but an absolute necessity” (2015, 148). Prayer, she adds is an invitation to God to be involved in an individual’s affairs. And as this happens, one begins to bear fruits such as serving and being involved in Christian affairs, Church ministries, and so on. She further suggests that as one serves in their area of interest and or calling they indeed are serving God, which is a privilege (2015, 176).

While the book’s layout promotes its readability, the pages are undoubtedly filled with wisdom, knowledge, insights, motivation, and revelation. The illustrations and testimonies offered (2015, xii) are relevant, realistic, relate-able and representative of the Christian Faith. The author has generously used biblical texts, with their references, to support her theme and opinion without overwhelming the pages with the same. The author’s fidelity to her goal of giving new converts assurance of their salvation (2015, ix) and those stuck in a religious rut not to get mixed up in doctrines without knowing where to turn to (2015, ix) is evident through the pages.

 

Successful Marriages – a mirage or reality?

Successful Marriages – Mirage or Reality?.

Forever

A young man, years ago, found the love of his heart. Dearly as he could, he loved the damsel and a happy lot they were. Together, always, travelling and seeing the world, parks, zoos, house of blues, parties, together they always were, a happy time of their lives. Always looking forward to be together for more happy moments.

At what the young man read to be the right timing, for her hand in marriage, a beautiful diamond ring he bought to seal the deal. At the right time, he thought, after the cake, a surprise it would be. He chuckled.

As if in agreement, the sun that morning sneaked early and so did the delivery man with the birthday cake. He too from the grocery, the snacks, refreshments and all else – it was creepy – everything fell meticulously in place. The guests, not to be left behind, drizzled in as scheduled. Was this the day or should there be another he pondered? Something did not seem right; his guts had sent a message, but who listens to guts? There was a party to enjoy and there would be no time wasted pondering endlessly.

Cake check; gifts check; birthday goofs check. Was this the time or should there be another he thought as his heart pounded and almost passing out from anxiety rush.

Finally after gathering courage in his bones, sheepishly he bent one knee, before her, the left hand resting over his left knee and with the right snapping open the beautifully wrapped box displaying the diamond ring, and stretched towards his love who stared at him and then ring in utter shock and disbelief.

After the cleaning up, he was to watch her walk away, a life forever changed. Rejected, wounded, and broken. “I can’t, and it’s not you”, she had said, quickly adding, “…but we can still be friends, right?”

“No,” he said loudly, but to himself. He knew this was it. It was over.

The night was freezing cold, and standing out there was not helping. Slowly as he shut the door, he took one last glance in time to see her shadow as it faded away into the darkness. Removing the ring from his pocket, he stared at it for a moment, placed it back in the box and snapped the lid.

A chapter closed. A broken heart. Forever.

Successful Marriages – a mirage or reality?

Probably the biggest problem in marriage is spouses who bring nothing into the marriage but love. Margaret Hardisty in her book Marriage Takes More Than Love argues “you’ve got to bring more than just love to your marriage.” You may think you are truly in love but it maybe the hormones playing poker with you. When you wake up in the morning, look at your spouse, and you start wondering who poisoned your drink last night, then you probably aren’t ready for marriage. Marriage is beyond looks and beauty; it’s beyond the hour glass figure and a perfect body. Don’t play into infatuation –it’s a dangerous game, which in the end leaves two severely hurt people, with broken trust and doubtful whether they will ever trust a member of the opposite sex again.

A couple of years back, my lawn looked horrible after the winter – it was all gray and the grass had no form of life in it. In my busy schedule, I had overlooked some much needed lawn maintenance and the weeds had now overgrown the otherwise neat grass. It was just a matter of time and I would lose the yard to the weeds. I couldn’t let that happen. I had spent far too much on my lawn, and I knew what joy it gave me when it was at its best. I was committed to help it revive and I knew it would take time to bring it back to its former beauty, but I was committed to restore its lost glory.

Every evening after work thereon, I would take my garden implements and slowly and meticulously uproot every weed by hand. This took several weeks, as I progressed in my weed elimination battle. It was hard labor but slowly I could see the impact of my labor. After I was done, I applied the right fertilizer, and made sure the sprinklers worked in the right cycle. With that, the lawn had no choice but to spring back to life albeit gradually.

When marriage starts showing signs of “malnutrition,” it is asking for attention. When grace is thrown to the curb and everything you do or see undergoes a trashing from the other spouse, you immediately know something is amiss and the weeds have invaded your marriage. Certain signs in marriage mean something completely different from what you can interpret with your simple observation. A good marriage, like a good lawn requires time and patience. There are times your marriage will be rosy and everything works according to plan. But in other times, the center cannot hold longer and your marriage is threatened with an evacuation and subsequent collapse. At this point, no word of consolation would bring sense to your spouse, as every kind deed is trashed and harsh words become frequent. When this happens, do not uproot the lawn – it’s more work uprooting – rather nature it consistently and don’t be frustrated with the slow progress. Separate the grass from the weeds and take your time and effort to do what you have to do for your marriage to reinstate its faded glory.

Sometimes spouses choose to be the arresting officers, the prosecutors and the judges, and mercilessly convict and condemn our spouses when they wrong us. Without care or feelings, we embarrass them and shame them in public not knowing we are doing disservice to ourselves. Grace has no spot in such an engagement, and as such no grace is exercised when dealing with our spouses – this is a dangerous way to fight a battle – because when that spouse fights back, it will be ugly.

As long as you know you can contribute something to the good of your marriage, don’t give up on it. Remember the love of the earlier years, the giggles and sweet nothings you all shared, cooking anything that came to your minds, movie nights, the late night walks and so on. Remember when she would call and say that her car broke and she needs a ride home. You would not even care that she lived in another city, nor worry about what time of the night it was, or which tornado was on its way. You would instead hop into your vehicle, and like an armored knight, drive through the most dangerous stretches to rescue your beloved. This is what set the spark, if you look deep enough, it’s still there, and if you choose to, you can re-ignite that flame of your marriage. Be humble enough to start again.

Do you imagine how much effort you take to get back something that was taken away from you? For example, when a virus has hijacked your computer making it inoperable? You don’t even wait, you swing into action and take it to the best technician to have it cleaned and restored because you value it. Love may not necessarily be a factor, but the value you have invested in that computer and the belief that it can be restored motivates you to keep trying. If you can put such effort into your marriage, you will be amazed at how quickly you are walking towards and probably need to put in your human heart, and the willingness to let your spouse be better than you are. A willingness to put a foot on your ego and allow your spouse to mount up as an eagle.

Tests don’t have to result in breakages and marital disasters. Don’t be quick to trade your spouse with a new and younger problem free lad or lass. Don’t forget that once your spouse was like that lad or lass –immaculate, loving, caring, beautiful body and all that. Remember every caterpillar was once a butterfly and similarly as familiarity builds, the purring newness changes to a rough crank. Don’t get into marriage with nothing but love. There are times when in marriage love is absent, what will make you stick to your spouse? You have to bring something more than just love to your marriage, something you can hang onto when love wears out.

A good marriage, if indeed there is one, is the one with grace, patience here, attention there, some care here, some love there. This makes the marriage stronger and unbreakable, and the marriage walls closely knit together to withstand the storms of life when they come. Above all, don’t give up on your marriage too soon, unless it is abusive. If this marriage did not work, the next one will not. Statistics indicate 50% of all first marriages fail but divorce rates of the second marriages are estimated to be over 70% – I’m not sure that this is not skewed in one way or another but it does give an idea that you may be better off with your first marriage. Don’t compare your marriage with others – every marriage, no matter how perfect it may appear in the outside, has its own issues and you have no idea what the spouses are hiding. Remember every coin has two side and all your friends would like to show you is the heads, i.e. how good their marriage is – a happy family. Instead work on yours, it could genuinely be better.

When you encounter problems in marriage, don’t start figuring who to call – you are the best solution, and you are best implenter. Remove pride, remove selfishness, remove anger and put on respect. Then sit down both of you and talk. I could go on and on, but this is a good place stop. By the way, have you had a chance to read my book – A Reason to Carry On? It’s not the only answer, but it will help you rebuild, and carry on with life. You can purchase yourself a copy at Amazon.com, Barnes and noble and other leading bookstores. What’s the point? Don’t give up on your marriage too soon.

Wifianese – What you need to know

Many years back, twenty five to be exact, I stumbled upon a new universal language used all over the world. Unlike the common languages we are familiar with; this language reshuffles and readjusts itself using existing words, giving new unconventional meaning to those existing words. The complexity of this language both in structure and its form is mind boggling to some species of Homo sapiens, yet to others, it is flawless, straightforward, and easy to learn. Its structure has been used in almost all known or existing tribes meticulously conveying the same message and serving the same purpose. Yet the challenges it has posed to those willing to learn and comprehend it has left them more confused. Language clash in understanding and structure is unheard of, and it, like other world languages, evolves simultaneously with others. The easiest way to explain the complexity of this language is picturing an Englishman speak to a New Zealander native who does not understand English and can only speak in their Māori language. The language further complicates its structure of word usage by the fact that words spoken in anger possess another meaning when spoken in a happy mood. The listener is therefore almost always left at the mercy of the spoken words to first decode the speaker’s mood and then interpret the words in order to get the correct meaning. It’s a language whose transmutation does not end – yet has the same common goal of communicating a message. Unfortunately, my search for scholarly literature on this language was not fruitful, but it gave me the privilege and liberty to name this mutating language using the conventional nomenclature as “wifianese”.

Wifianese is a language spoken by millions of wives all over the world. Unlike other languages, this language thrives in emphasis, tone-ology, and expressionism. No new words are created and this “new” language simply uses existing words to make verbal expressions. It’s interesting to note that a female who is not married does not speak Wifianese, and her words do not require decoding to be understood. She easily communicates in words and language that are easily understood. This scenario changes once she gets married and her words starts having dual or triple meaning. Surprisingly, married womenfolk communicate easily and understand each other – I am still studying which language they speak among themselves, but whatever they use to communicate promotes a spirit of cohesiveness among them.

It’s my suggestion that Eve, the original first lady, spoke wifianese to her husband Adam – and this was probably the first time wifianese was ever spoken. Adam had heard Eve spoke but he took her words at their face value. This time round, they had consequences, she did not want to eat the fruit, she did not care what the serpent had told her, she wanted direction “should or should we not” but what Adam heard was, it’s a good fruit let’s eat, and Adam went for it.

Eve was living with her husband in a large orchard, and all they needed to do was relax walk around the orchard do nothing. The owner of the orchard was taking care of it and had left it to them. They could eat of anything they wanted with the exception of one specific tree positioned at the center of the orchard. Clear instruction indicated that if they ate of that tree, then they would be like God knowing good and evil, according to her husband Adam (אדם), who did not pay much attention when God, the owner of the orchard, was giving him instructions. It is said that one evening, Eve got tired of sitting in one place and asked Adam to accompany her for a stroll, but Adam was feeling a little tired and wanted to seat by the brook watching the young doles drinking playfully with the playful cubs. Eve muttered something and then went for the stroll on her own. An hour later she came back with a basketful of fruits. She lay the fruits down for their dinner as was the custom and started narrating to Adam where she had been and what she had seen. She told him about a serpent that had told her of a fruit with mysterious powers, and if they ate it, it would make them as wise as their creator. She then offered it to Adam who immediately crushed its skin with his teeth without a second thought. Eve took the other fruit and too started munching on it. It wasn’t until they awoke from their nap that they saw they had better view of things than before, something was different. By the time they realized what had happened, it was too late, they were already naked, just like the orchard owner had said would happen.

Later, Adam was to deny that his wife had told him about the fruit. Clearly she had, but he heard nothing because she spoke in wifianese which was foreign to Adam. Adam was taken by surprise when he went back to realize that they had been thrown from the orchard. He needed to learn wifianese, for his sanity. This is an oversimplification of the problem that faced Adam and his wife Eve, but the facts have not changed. And man is forever trying to decode wifianese.

Like any other language, there is a need to learn it if communication in the house is to improve and also for the cohesive existence of these two creatures purporting to live and care for each other. In my observation of thousands of wives in an unscientific observation, I found out that they did not need to learn the new language; it was almost imbedded on them. Their expression changed, their tone-ology and expression changed each time they communicated with their husbands. I also noted that the wives did not use this language on anybody; it was specifically reserved for their husbands. The speakers were able to swiftly inter-change the language modules to accommodate the recipients of the message without any struggle. Lastly, I noticed that most husbands were clueless to what their wives were communicating about. Most ended up simply agreeing to what was being suggested to avoid an unnecessary fight but deep inside them, they were lost and clueless.

Many marriages today are either breaking or on the verge of breaking because of a language barrier. Marriage counselors rightfully insist communication is key to a good marriage but they have not yet come up with a strategy for decoding wifianese. Books and scholarly articles have been written on communication in marriage but no article has directly addressed wifianese, the language wives find themselves speaking without even realizing it.

Dr. Leslie Navran in her article “Communication and adjustment in marriage” suggests that ‘couples who make a good or “happy” marital adjustments are those whose communication skills have been expanded to deal effectively with problems inherent in marriages”. The husband’s challenge is not to speak wifianese, because it’s far too complicated to speak, but to understand it by accurately decoding “wife language” or and acting appropriately and carefully (emphasis mine).

Often husbands, after some time and nasty experiences, start understanding what their wives really mean. Just like if you lived with a person speaking only one language at some point you will have no choice but to start understanding basic words. One husband shared with me some of the words he had decoded. For example; “When your wife says” we need this and that” she actually means “I want this and that…” If you told your wife that you wanted to do something and she replied “sure…go ahead” you better not. She actually means don’t. If she says “do whatever you want,” she actually means “you do it, and you will pay for it later”. If your wife smilingly introduces you to the guests “this is my husband”, don’t rejoice, she means here’s the goon. If your wife calls on your cell phone and asks “where are you”, be truthful, because she has already set you up on her inbuilt “lie detector.” You get the jest and I know you have more examples.

Couples are known to have separated because of the absence of communication. In reality though, the two were communicating but in different languages. They refuse to learn this new language or are not patient and the result is disastrous. It takes effort and commitment to learn a new language even if you are using Rosetta stone (don’t bother looking wifianese is not available in Rosetta stone) and learning wifianese is not any different. The consequences of not learning this language cannot be compared to the benefits. Some husbands have taken the time to learn it and their marriages have improved, but others have ignored this language stubbornly refusing to learn it – the cracks in their marriages are evidence of this ignorance. Embrace it and you will be one happy man – ignore it and your marriage life will continue to be a misery. You have been warned.